Enough is enough!

Time doesn't fly when you have "I haven't written anything lately" in the back of your mind every single day.

Whenever I fall silent, and that usually means letter-writing, it seems to indicate some degree of trouble coping or some kind of ailment. It takes me a while to recognize it but then I seem to wake up and realize I'm not well. I don't know why I go through weeks of torture, though. That doesn't make sense. But it has something to do with grinning and bearing it only for me it's more like grimacing and enduring it.

My psychological care at Kaiser Permanente leaves quite a lot to be desired. My personal physician has taken over the prescription of medicines because I've been relatively stable for a long time. Visits to my psychiatrist always make me angry because it's blatantly obviously that I am unimportant compared to the stacks and stacks of folders of real psych cases piled all around the office. There's little interaction. Ah, I don't want to discuss this because it's a real sore subject. Everyone I've seen has either moved to a different facility or retired. The one time I tried to find someone new ended in a big fiasco.

It feels like I'm falling over a cliff, about to devulge lots of personal information. So I have to watch myself because I never save drafts of these entries to be published later. I just blurt it out and I'm done. I've never done more than fix a typo.

But lately my headaches and TMJ issues have gotten so much worse again that I'm beginning to think I may go nuts. I don't know what the cause is. I see my doctor regularly and, in fact, just saw him a couple of weeks ago. I had a headache then too. And I told him. I guess I expect by now that if I say I have a headache he should realize that I have a massive headache. Just like when I say I have trouble sleeping and my dreams are disturbing. That means I am tormented by nightmares and never, ever feel rested.

A few months ago I switched one of the ingredients of my psychological cocktail from Prozac to Celexa. It was supposed to have a positive effect on my libido but I think that boat sailed and sunk a long time ago. Anyhow, since then things have gone downhill. I think I just realized that even though my doctor has encouraged me to stick with it a while longer because "it takes a long time for the medication to re-wire your brain," I think I'm done with it. The OCD symptoms have started again. I hear a constant buzzing in my head. Phrases, tunes and words repeat in my mind until I want to scream. Maybe I should scream. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a BAD TRIP.

The headaches could be caused by something from the other medication cocktail I take. What a mess I am. I take medication to keep from getting sick but those meds make me sick so I have to take more stuff to help that but they have side-effects too and it just keeps going until I have to stop somewhere and just deal with it because there is no frigging end to it.

I thought that maybe if I wrote about how miserable I've been that maybe the curse would be lifted. That's unlikely. I have decided, though, that I'm going to contact my nurse and spill my guts. Maybe I'll just send her a link to this entry.

My 48 year-old body is a walking glossary of medical problems. One of my most hideous ailments is plantar fasciitis. Look it up. It's disabling. Hey! What a coincidence. I'm on disability. But seriously, it's the WORST. I never imagined I'd have mobility issues like this with anything short of a broken leg or a double amputation. The pain coming from the bottoms of my feet is second only to what that poor captive writer must have felt in the movie Misery (with Kathy Bates and James Caan.)

I've had cortisone injections in both heels twice now but that just masks the issue. The podiatrist says we need to find the cause. "We?" I haven't gone back because I'm afraid he'll want to cut tendons in my feet and that scares me. So I suffer. What a loser I'm sounding like to myself.

Enough for now. Go check out my photos on Flickr to see what else I've been up to. I do manage to have a life even though for the most part I'd rather be dead. No, I take that back. I'll feel much better after election day when enough people come to their senses and begin to put America back together again.

I advise all who read, though, to stock up on food, buy a gun and prepare to take back the country the old fashioned way in case this election gets stolen too. Enough is enough!

Okay, now to write that letter to my nurse.....