Feeling Small

It's similar to looking out an airplane window and realizing how tiny you really are.

On the ground, in the shadows of giant redwood trees I got the same feeling. I felt like that while I reflected on my cat, my life and myself. I felt like a tiny dot until the mosquitos came out.
Then I felt bigger.

The drive from San Leandro through San Jose and on to highway 17 seemed to go by quickly. While we were sailing past the scenery I tried to imagine what someone from the covered wagon era might have thought if, one night in a dream, they'd had a vision of being in my seat in the car for a few minutes. How could anyone describe that? Maybe that's why seers have written such symbolic accounts of their visions.

I thought about a lot of things looking up at the sky, trees and birds this past weekend. I thought about being small, large, old, young, helpless and powerful. I thought and thought and got a stiff neck from looking up so much. Unfortunately I couldn't really find any answers this time. I just felt very small most of the time. Weekend camping trips are too short to experience major edifying events. On day three, I was ready to relax and enjoy the day but it was time to go again.

Pewter's health problems continued to be on my mind all weekend but I had a comfortable feeling inside that he would be okay OR that I would be okay with whatever happened. When we got back in cell phone range, there was a message to call Brad's mom. That's the only time that I got nervous. But it turned out that we had left on Friday without closing the garage door.

So in addition to all the above feelings we got to feel stupid too. Yay.

We returned to find the cats happy, healthy and relaxed. I hope to repeat that discovery every time I come through the front door no matter how long I've been away.

Drama and Thermometers

I'm not used to much drama in my life and when something happens to one of my cats, it's a big deal.

Things seem normal and stable right now. Pewter's visit with Dr. Grossman went well and left me optimistic and much more relaxed. He seems much, much better now that the IV port (I'm sure that's the wrong term) is out of his arm and that bandage is gone. I know now that Pewter is totally right-pawed because he just couldn't clean himself by using his South paw.

Pewter seems like he's in better shape than I am now. I'm exhausted from the anguish and have yet to process my sadness. By process, I mean cry. I imagine that will happen tomorrow sometime in the car as we drive off for a weekend at our favorite campground at Big Basin in the redwoods near Santa Cruz. It doesn't matter where I go. I just hate leaving my cats. I am, however, capable of going away AND having a good time. It's just a little drama I go through every time. Mom, does this sound familiar?

There's a line somewhere between normal and crazy where cat people sometimes linger on or near the crazy side. Obviously I'm not unfeeling. And I wouldn't go on this trip if Pewter needed me. But from his perspective, as much as he seems to hate it when I go away, I'm sure he will be okay. He will be fed and checked on a couple of times a day. He may just appreciate the total peace and quiet. This all reminds me of a term we use freely at the zoo:

anthropomorphize - To ascribe human characteristics to things not human.

I would never want to underestimate the intelligence of our fellow non-human beings but I know there is a limit to a feline's sense of self. I also know that humans can seriously over- anthropomorphize animals. I see it at the zoo all the time. I also see total disregard for the integrity of the animal kingdom. It's such a difficult subject. I only hope to err on the side of compassion if I must err at all.

This post isn't going to get a proof reading. I'm tired and have a bag to pack. And I want to do it while Pewter is sleeping downstairs. As long as Cootie doesn't go blabbing what I'm up to, Pewter will probably just enjoy his slumber in his favorite spot, glad to be home in familiar surroundings with plenty of good food and water and nobody sticking a thermometer up his butt.

Neurologic Episode

Or is it neurological?

Pewter held up well, patiently waiting in his carrier in the back seat while Brad did a little grocery shopping after we picked him up from Alameda Pet Hospital last night. He was a little doped up but I couldn't really tell.

When we got home I put him in a laundry basket made all comfy with towels because I was under the impression that he'd just want to pass out. But he was only in it long enough to jump back out again and head downstairs to the feeding station. He was hungry and thirsty and he wanted dinner NOW.

The rest of the evening wasn't normal because he didn't come and sit by me while we watched The Amazing Race. Cootie, still unable to smell the Pewter he was familiar with, didn't know what to think and hissed everytime they got close. I felt bad for him but Pew didn't seem to care.

Before bed I had time to think about the long visit we had with Dr. Jen who showed me Pewter's x-rays and blood test results and went over everything in great detail. They can explain the sneezing and coughing but not the neurological event. It's a big mystery. And (now this is funny) short of doing a CAT scan, there's no real way of knowing what's happening in his brain.

At 3AM it happened again. His crying woke me up. Well, the smell from the cat box partially woke me up first. He had just gone potty and by the time I turned my light on and went into the hallway he was on his side showing signs of another episode. His eyes were going back and forth like he was watching an imaginary ping pong game and his head dropped to the right.

He knew I was there. Instead of just crying, he seemed to be complaining. I just did my best to support his head and talk quietly to him and comfort him. And he purred the whole time, even when he was crying out. When he calmed down some I got up to get a towel. Fortunately he didn't lose control this time so it was a "clean" episode. But he then walked backwards half way down the stairs. So I went down, got a towel and wrapped him up like a baby, went to the recliner and held him for about an hour while the episode ended. The whole thing lasted about 90 minutes.

Afterwards I brought him up to bed where he stayed for quite a while. When I woke up, he was gone. At about 7 when I got up to take Brad to BART, he was downstairs waiting for breakfast.

I was supposed to take him back to the vet today for observation while I went to the zoo and did other things. But I was exhausted and went back to sleep. The vet called at 10:30 wondering where I was and I told him I was going to stay home with him today. So I'm taking him in this afternoon at 4 for a follow-up appointment.

What happens after that, I don't know. I have decisions to make.

Grief

I was prepared to start writing until I attached the photo of Pewter's beautiful face and now I can barely think.

Today he had a seizure of some kind. It involved losing bowel control, losing his ability to walk and vomiting. My first reaction was that he had had a stroke.

And indeed he may have had a stroke. That is one of two possible scenarios at this point. There may be brain damage. If so, I'm afraid that he won't be with me any longer.

On the other hand, there's a possibility that he is having an inner ear issue related to allergies with they say can be treated. Cured? I don't know. There's so much I don't know right now. But what I DO know is that I won't be as selfish as I was with Orlock. With him, I waited too long before I sent him to wait for me in heaven. He was very ill and I went to extreme measures to keep him alive and comfortable for as long as possible.

Pewter's sweet face is something I'm not prepared to go without seeing every day. But I've also had feelings that he is more seriously ill than anyone suspected. This is one time that I'd like to be proven wrong.

It's almost 3PM and I expect a call any time now. I need to find something to keep me busy. Writing this was meant to be a way of expressing myself. All the while I've had a prayer in my heart that I can think clearly and do the right thing, make the right decisions.

UPDATE: 3:52PM The vet called while I was in the shower (of course) and left a positive message. Pewter is doing much better. The x-rays indicate that he has allergies and suffers from asthma. They've given him various medicines, including a narcotic to calm him down, and said to come and pick him up. We'll decide at that point whether he needs to go back tomorrow and what kind of treatment plan he'll have.

In the mean time, Cootie has been very sweet and affectionate. He has a way of calming me down and I just love how he rests his head on my hand or extends his arm, cupping my finger in his paw, and curls his toes as if he were squeezing my finger.

The last time Pewter went to the vet alone, Cootie didn't like the way he smelled when he got home. He hissed at him for two days. This time I don't care. It looks like Pewter will survive this so what's a little hissing in the long run?

Concerning "Mission Accomplished"

The dialogue continues in the comment thread below the "Mission Accomplished" photo in my Flickr photostream. Most people have viewed the photo without comment. Many have "fav'd" it meaning they have created a connection between their own photo pages and the ones on Flickr they like. And some have chosen to make comments.

While I feel that the primary purpose for posting photos on Flickr is so that, as artists, we can be mutually supportive and offer constructive criticism, there comes a time when it's okay to be provocative. I have such strong feelings about our current administration and the war in Iraq that I felt motivated to post the photo as a reminder to all those with feelings not to forget. An armless soldier, faceless Iraqi civilian or burned corpse of a civilian contractor would have been an entirely different message than the one I wanted to put across.

Some people question why I would post such a photo (flag-draped coffins being unloaded from an aircraft) and accuse the photographer of having some kind of agenda. After reading the latest comments tonight I responded with a few of my own. What follows is my contribution.

I don't know who took these photos. I DO know that photography isn't a crime and these images should be seen by everyone.

We'll all have different reactions. But I'm quite certain that the purpose for distributing them is to remind all of us that our soldiers are being killed. It isn't about the "good guys" and the "bad guys" because that's the stuff of fiction. Don't over-simplify the intentions of the photographer and those who keep these images alive in our minds. I, for one, have immovable respect for those who serve our country including the ones who question our leaders and their policies. That's what makes it all work.

We must continue to THINK, LISTEN, LEARN, QUESTION, and stay involved. Otherwise we will be lead astray. I believe we were purposely mislead. But even if we were mistakenly mislead we have indeed been mislead by people who are not worthy to hold the trust of the people.

That's what makes this photo so incredibly powerful. We see the absolute respect and dignity in the way the caskets are draped in our beautiful flag and the way they are being handled. The photo itself is balanced, cropped and exposed in such a way as to suggest nothing but respect.

Growing up in a military environment I did very little thinking for myself on the subjects of war, politics and patriotism. But I'll never forget the day my hero, Richard Nixon, resigned in disgrace. It was like my world had shattered. And then on subject after subject I learned the truth about many more things including the Vietnam war. And friends, the truth just isn't always pretty. Growing up was hard enough but learning that my country isn't perfect, isn't morally clean, isn't always run by saints and is subject to mistakes and evil influences was a very
tough thing to accept.

Welcome to the real world. Choose your battles, leaders and heroes carefuly but pray to God that you know the true face of your enemy.

The link to the photo and comment thread is: http://www.flickr.com/photos/the_worm_turns/136505221/

This Won't Play Well in Peoria

Amen
Originally uploaded by Miss Makita Drill.

The big marches and demonstrations are over for now. The effects they had, besides the immediate and measureable ones, will be known in time. I was busy at home that day so it didn't impact my life in the slightest. But come to think of it, I didn't hear the usual sound of leaf blowers cutting through the morning calm. Does that count?

There were news reports, photos, opinions, editorials, comments, video and audio. And then it was over. So what happened? A whole lot of people got together, this time waving American flags instead of Mexican flags, and made a clear and deliberate point that our laws need to change.

What good is a demonstration en masse if you end up turning the people who you want support from against you instead? This "backlash" is something that was quickly learned during the dress rehearsals for the May 1st rallys. The country was aghast by the display of Mexican flags. The old expression, "This won't play well in Peoria" certainly applied then as it does to this photo.

Americans tend to love their laws and know that the rule of law is the cement that keeps our loose bricks from falling down.

I'm nowhere near Peoria but my heart is in the vicinity. The situation is a certified, complicated mess and scenes like this will not be useful in finding a solution that can be supported by the majority of U.S. citizens and many immigrants as well.

"Mission Accomplished" Anniversary

When I posted this photo on my Flickr page I had no idea it would get so much attention. The host site was referenced in a letter from Gold Star Families for Peace along with some other information. (http://www.newshounds.us/2005/04/26/project_madman_images.php)

America needs to be reminded daily, like we were during the Vietnam war, about the horrors of war. Even though this is a powerful photo it's very different from the experience of having dinner while Walter Cronkite related the day's events in Vietnam, complete with footage of the battles, massacres and killed and injured soldiers being evacuated.

This current war has been sterilized for us. Only a few programs have been produced showing soldiers with missing limbs, reconstructed craniums and artificial eyes. And you have to search the foreign press websites to find photos from the Iraqi perspective although we do get glimpses of their ruined homes and shattered lives.

This is also true of the Palestinian people. Occasionally we get to see Israeli heavy equipment tearing down the house of a terrorist but to find out what life is like for the people, you have to search. And these days can we turn our backs while Israel builds a wall to divide the land? In this age, in these times, the Berlin wall is gone and there are gift shops in the Great Wall of China. And some in the U.S. want to build a wall along the border with Mexico. I doubt they have plans for gift shops.










http://www.newshounds.us/2005/04/26/project_madman_images.php