Grief

I was prepared to start writing until I attached the photo of Pewter's beautiful face and now I can barely think.

Today he had a seizure of some kind. It involved losing bowel control, losing his ability to walk and vomiting. My first reaction was that he had had a stroke.

And indeed he may have had a stroke. That is one of two possible scenarios at this point. There may be brain damage. If so, I'm afraid that he won't be with me any longer.

On the other hand, there's a possibility that he is having an inner ear issue related to allergies with they say can be treated. Cured? I don't know. There's so much I don't know right now. But what I DO know is that I won't be as selfish as I was with Orlock. With him, I waited too long before I sent him to wait for me in heaven. He was very ill and I went to extreme measures to keep him alive and comfortable for as long as possible.

Pewter's sweet face is something I'm not prepared to go without seeing every day. But I've also had feelings that he is more seriously ill than anyone suspected. This is one time that I'd like to be proven wrong.

It's almost 3PM and I expect a call any time now. I need to find something to keep me busy. Writing this was meant to be a way of expressing myself. All the while I've had a prayer in my heart that I can think clearly and do the right thing, make the right decisions.

UPDATE: 3:52PM The vet called while I was in the shower (of course) and left a positive message. Pewter is doing much better. The x-rays indicate that he has allergies and suffers from asthma. They've given him various medicines, including a narcotic to calm him down, and said to come and pick him up. We'll decide at that point whether he needs to go back tomorrow and what kind of treatment plan he'll have.

In the mean time, Cootie has been very sweet and affectionate. He has a way of calming me down and I just love how he rests his head on my hand or extends his arm, cupping my finger in his paw, and curls his toes as if he were squeezing my finger.

The last time Pewter went to the vet alone, Cootie didn't like the way he smelled when he got home. He hissed at him for two days. This time I don't care. It looks like Pewter will survive this so what's a little hissing in the long run?